Crumpled Notes

I like being a girl. I really do. I like being a woman, too. Shoot. I just like being female in general, but today, after mediocre news from my ob/gyn, I started wondering what exactly made me a girl and even further what makes me “girly.”

I say it was mediocre news because, it wasn’t “good news” but it super bad news either. I just have some uterine polyps that need to go away. So my doctor recommended a hysteroscopy (a scraping of sorts) to get rid of the polyps and then a uterine ablation (burning of the uterine lining) to control the heavy menstruation I deal with and prevent more polyps - this was probably TMI. Trouble is, if I become pregnant after the ablation it could be very dangerous. And in a round-about way, this is what lead me to wonder what makes me a girl.

You see, I never expect to get pregnant again. We have two lovely kids and my husband’s “fixed” as it were, so the factory is pretty much closed and yet I’m loathed to board up the windows and auction off all the furniture. It’s like giving up something that while I’m not using and and have no plans to use it, I’d like to keep around just in case and this got me thinking, “Why?” The benefits of the ablation are wonderful: a minimal period without losing the parts that contribute to hormone production, no more cramps, tampons, pads… everything that makes a period such a pain in the butt and yet… sigh. No more babies either. Babies that I didn’t plain on having anyway. So why the hesitancy to give up my fertility?

I’m not sure, honestly. It feels a little like being 13 and being told I’m too old to go trick-or-treating. “No more free candy for you!” And I know it’s true, but don’t want it to be. I still want to dress up and come home with a bag of goodies. I know that I’ll miss the possibility, the surprise, the wonder and it saddens me.

But does losing this “possibility” make me any less “girly.” In head the answer is a quick, unequivocal, “No.” But in my heart… oh you treacherous little organ you… I feel a little differently. Now, if you asked me, “Are menopausal women less girly?” No. “Are women who’ve had hysterectomies or mastectomies, much harsher procedures than this one, less girly?” No. “So only you’d be less girly doing this?” Ummm. Yes… No… Maybe?… I DON’T KNOW! I know that this is a silly thing to think, but I can’t help it.

Argh! And I still have to make a decision about the procedure. Do I? Don’t I? Do I? Don’t I?

Ah, screw it. I’ll just pull a Scarlet O’Hara and think about it tomorrow.

:-)